In the spirit of transparency, I decided to write about my thoughts. I find writing helps me to clarify what is swirling around my head. Right now I am confronting an old battle.
I decided to write this blog to document my walk with God and the things he has taught me over the years and the new things he shows me. For many years I have been aware that there is an odd cycle I go through. I normally am pretty strong in my faith, or at least that is what I like to think. Then as I go about living my life, something will happen that throws me into a turmoil of questioning my faith, God’s trustworthiness, am I saved? Is God who I thought he is? Have I been deceived? I am sure none of you have ever had these kinds of thoughts! 🙂
The last 5 years have been a battle for me. A striping of all that I had thought I knew of myself, God, my purpose. 5 years ago, we found out we would be moving to another state. At that time, it didn’t make sense. My parents needed me, God even told me that. When the move happened, I was confused. I had just moved my parents to be near me a year prior to this in order to be available to them. Then we up and left. I couldn’t see how or why God was doing this. I felt this loss. I felt like I was being robbed of precious time with my parents who are older and mom suffering from Alzheimers. Our ministry had been shut down. I wondered if I had failed God in some way. Was God mad at me?
When we moved, I determined to take advantage of the wonderful ministries in the area we had moved to. I signed up for conferences thinking I would met people. I was so disappointed. I didn’t met anyone local. The locals had no interest in getting to know me. When we visited churches, they didn’t even acknowledge we had entered their doors. What a shock this was to me after being in Wisconsin for 10 years and feeling like we knew almost everyone when we went to events. I had become used to being accepted and people knowing me. In my new territory I felt rejected and lonely. I was being stripped of all false trappings of feeling valued. I sat lonely in my condo. Once a month I would travel to my parents and spend about 5 days. Ultimately I probably spent more value time with them than if I had been local and just popped in. Hour for hour I hadn’t lost the time, just accessibility. I would have intense emotional battles when something would happen with my parents when I really wanted to be with them. I wanted to help them navigate their circumstances but felt helpless to do anything.
God opened the door to allow my husband and I to travel. That became my escape from the reality of being lonely. I would find relief in going to new places. I had awe at the beauty that God created. I loved being able to talk to people and feel normal again. Then I would come home, and the isolation would begin again. You would think I would dig deep with God during this time. I didn’t. I felt rejected by God. While my intellect could acknowledge that God had placed me there; he had told me he was putting me on hold, emotionally I rebelled. I was frustrated. I felted of little value and without purpose. When you don’t have a rudder, when you are aimless, without purpose that is dangerous. It can lead to you make decisions, or have actions that are not in your best interests. I found myself getting angry at God. Then I would apologize. Things would get better for awhile. Until something would set me off again.
What I recognize in myself is that I am quick to blame God when I get frustrated. I start to think accusing thoughts. Not a good idea folks. Then I question, why do I even believe in him? Thankfully I have enough amazing encounters with him that I can draw on to remind me that he is real and he does care. That doesn’t make the battle easier. I still flounder too many times. I don’t know why I go through these cycles. I can only hope that each time I do, that somehow my roots are going deeper in faith. I beat myself up about being so weak in my faith. I look at others who shine with confidence and assurance of their faith and wish I could be like them. Believe me I know the intellectual arguments. Don’t compare, etc. That doesn’t make the emotion of the battle go away. What I need to do, is stop allowing my emotions to dictate my walk with God. It is wonderful when we can have that emotional bond with him, but the reality of life is that there are times when life is hard. We can’t let our feelings determine the outcome or the perception of what we are walking through. There is a reason we are told that walking with God is to walk by Faith. He knows it’s hard, that is why it pleases him so much.
Today the battle rages. My many thoughts and emotions are struggling against the knowledge that God is still in control. When he doesn’t do the things I think he should, I have to stop and remind myself He is God, not me. He isn’t answerable to me. Right now, we are all aware of the turmoil the nation is in. We are struggling with a virus that has shut down our economy, restrictions imposed on us. We don’t know the results of an Election that is critical to the future of our nation. For me the battle is, if the evil is able to win, what is life going to be like in the future. Can I trust God? What does that say about God if he should allow such evil to overtake our country. Yes, I know we, as a nation, have allowed the encroachment of evil. We as Christians have not stood strong in our opposition and have backed down in the face of intimidation and political correctness. I also know that God tells us that if a nation will repent, and pray, he will rescue us. This is where we are. We need to be rescued. The prophets are proclaiming the victory is going to be manifested but we need to keep praying. We have the opposition fiercely opposing us, restricting our communications, and insisting they have won and will remove our freedoms, etc. They are telling us to shut up, comply. In the past, many Christians would have done so. Some are still willing to comply with the encroachment of their freedoms in order to have peace. Yet, there is a remnant of us who say, No, the line has been drawn and we HAVE to fight. The temptation to give in and submit is dangling before us by the enemy. We question, is it worth fighting, will we make a difference? The other side appears so strong and more than us. Yet, that is a lie, that is part of the battle. The battle is not only in the natural but especially in our minds. At least in mine. We can’t give up on God, we can’t give up on ourselves, our children, grandchildren. Otherwise it will be too late and there is no going back. Our future depends on our taking a stand for God, for our nation, for ourselves.
As I said earlier, the battle is real. There are many forces against us. Plus we battle ourselves. When all that can be shaken, is shaken, what will stand? Only God. Only our faith. Regardless of what the world looks like, we have to remember this isn’t the government we are a part of. We belong to God, to his kingdom. Eventually all on this earth will fall away. Only God’s kingdom will remain. Let’s grab ahold of what is true, what is dependable. There are many things in this world outside of our control. All we can control is ourselves. For me, I need to get my thoughts back on track and hold onto truth and not allow emotions to confuse the issues. It’s time to get back to the basics. What does God say? What has he told us? Our foundation, our rock is his son. I need to just stand on him and allow him to do what he does best. He promises to work all things together for our good. We may think we know what that should look like. Only God knows what is really going on, what his plans are for us ultimately, and we have to trust him. Trust. A big word. No matter how many times, I have accused him in the past, the truth is, ultimately he has always come through. He has been faithful. I need to be faithful to trust him.
This is the battle I am in. If you are also fighting, you are not alone. Please know God will do something powerful in your life as he molds you and strips away the dross so that your faith will stand. God will not let us down.