MySearchforTreasure Blog

This morning as I listen to the birds and enjoy my coffee, I find myself thinking of my mom. My mom has Alzheimers. For many years I have grieved as I watched my mom deteriorate. I have been saddened to realize that I have trouble remembering who my mom used to be. The reality of who she has become has overwritten the memories of the past. I look at the pictures of her as a young woman who had so many dreams and expectations of life. I wonder what she would have thought had she known her life of experiences and memories would disappear as she got older. I remember her embarrassment when dad told us she had been diagnosed with a short term memory disorder. She could not look at us. Yet it wasn’t her fault, she hadn’t caused this to happen to her. She had no reason to be embarrassed. Little did we know what this would become. A shadow of the person we loved. The little spitfire would become quiet. My mom used to laugh and loved to travel. She loved her family. She was fiercely loyal and would protect to her dying breath anyone of us.
As I think on this I recognize the essential parts of who she was, she still is. It’s different. She is still loyal, she will quickly come to defend dad if anyone tries to criticize him. She will back up what ever he says because she trusts him. She loves abundantly, and expresses her love to each of us when we are with her. Yes she repeats things like you’re a good person a lot, but she is expressing her gratitude for kindness.
My mom literally lives in the moment. She is unable to think ahead, abstract ideas are no longer a part of her thought process. She exists in the now. She functions in the now. She appreciates the now in time. God tells us that no man is promised tomorrow and that we need to live in the present. My mom and others like her are living just that. All the cares of the world are no longer a concern. Mom enjoys the things of nature, the cute little baby ducks, the beautiful flowers. She notices the smallest details that most of us miss. My mom would tell you she is happy. She is loved, all her needs are met.
I still struggle with the awfulness of this disease. Something has happened that I am in awe of this week. I returned home after spending 8 days taking care of my parents feeling drained and defeated. I got a disturbing report from my dad of something that had happened after I left. The next day I got a surprising call that shocked me. My dad called and said your mom misses you and wants to talk to you. My mom used to be my best friend, we used to talk every day. My mom hadn’t initiated a call to me in years. I didn’t know what to think, perhaps it was dad’s indirect way of saying he missed me and my being there to help. I didn’t put much credit into it actually being my mom wanting to talk to me. This week, I was looking at a picture of my mom in her beauty of youth. I actually said, “mom I miss you” to her picture. Later that day, again my dad called and said, Your mom wants to talk to you. I am recognizing that it is God’s way of letting me know that even though my mom isn’t the person I grew up with, that the essence of who she is, still exists. She still loves me, she still loves her family. While she often doesn’t know how to express her thoughts, she has found a way to let me know that she still thinks of me and loves me. This is a mighty gift from God to let me know that love continues. Our bonds still exists. We can’t give up on the ones we love. God knows what we need. Even as I felt orphaned by the loss of the mom I love, God let me know that even though its different, life still exists in her. Love still prevails. Nothing is as strong as love. The Bible tells us that nothing can separate us from God. God is love. There fore nothing can separate us from Love. It is eternal. I am feeling grateful today for my mom’s love, for the love of God who in his compassion is teaching me that even when those we love aren’t the person they used to be, they still love. Life is about Love. We need to take a page out of my mom’s book, and live in the moment more and express gratitude for what we have each day. Tomorrow isn’t promised and we need to drink in the wonder of today.