My mom is dying. Wow, such an odd thing to actually say. My mom, Myrna, has Alzheimer’s. It has been 13 years of watching her decline. 13 years of grieving the loss of who she was. Memories overwritten by our new normal with her, yet it isn’t normal. Each week, small changes have happened. I think of the analogy of a frog in water and the water starts to heat up and the frog gets so used to the new temperature that he doesn’t realize the water is becoming dangerous.
Such is the life of living with Alzheimer’s. Little by little, more is stolen from the patient and the family. Learning to interact with my mom on her new limits has been stressful at times, trying, and just plain sad. As I look at pictures of her from even 10 years ago, I find I can’t remember who she used to be. I don’t remember how she talked, her wisdom and council. The thing that I do remember and still stands out is her ability to love unconditionally That I will miss the most when she is no longer here. Her eyes light up when she see’s me, when she can’t remember my name, she says “That’s my girl”.
My dad and I have talked over that last year. We speculated that she may not make it another year as we watched the sudden quickening of decline. Yet, we somehow got into a place of delusion of believing this wouldn’t really come to the conclusion that is inevitable. We had become accustomed to the heating of the water, the increase of decline. She had overcome getting a nasty cold apparently able to fight it off easily. We concluded she was stronger than we thought. As we became frustrated by the lack of care the facility wasn’t providing and brought attention to her needs, they re-evaluated her and said its time for a hospice evaluation. It shocked us somehow even as we acknowledge that we had seen it coming.
Some interesting things have resulted from this new chapter. I have never felt so isolated. I feel the sadness of knowing she will die, yet feel somehow numb. I was unable to cry for the first week. I didn’t really want to discuss what was happening, although I told my extended family and friends. With the exception of a couple of dear friends, nobody has asked me how I feel, am I ok? Even my children seem to be distant in all of this. Perhaps like me they are processing this news in their own way and need to ponder it without discussing it.
I have been amazed by the silence of those I thought cared about me. Somehow in our society we have lost the ability to reach out and actually share each other’s burden’s. We don’t talk about feelings, we don’t discuss fears, we don’t talk about the uncomfortable things of life. We choose to ignore them as though by not addressing these things with others, that it insulates us from it happening in our own lives.
I have done a lot of thinking of what my life will be once my parents are no longer on this earth. I am grateful that I have been privileged to have had my parents this long in life, so many haven’t. I can’t imagine what life will be like without them, and I am not looking forward to it. It has also caused me to evaluate my faith and do I trust God in this process. I know I can’t do this without Him to hold me and sustain me. I will need my faith in a way I have never experienced before. I am trusting that because he is faithful, that is who he is, that he will carry me and help me to adjust to life without the two people who shaped who I am today.
My closing thoughts are this, Please if you know someone who is dealing with life and death issues, fears, worries, please don’t be afraid to come along side of them, let them know you care. This is such an isolating time for us and to know that there is hope and life beyond this grief is reassuring. People need to know they are cared for and loved. Even just listening is helpful if your friend wants to talk. Most likely they will be like me, and just want to forget about the everyday grief and dread of what the future holds and just enjoy having a friend to laugh with and enjoy life with. It’s these distractions that show life continues that give us the renewal and strength to face what is coming.