Life

This morning I am contemplating life. In particular the life span of a person, but specifically my mom. Myrna. I look at the pictures of her that randomly come up on my digital frame. I see the pictures of her a child, as a teen, as a young bride, as a young mother, then as she got older and I got married. It amazes me to see how she looked at my age and the wonder of how much I look like her.

I wonder, what did she think of as a child. I know her childhood was difficult. She had an alcoholic father, money was tight. She lived in a little two room house. The only water source a hand pump and and an out house for a bathroom. She grew up poor. Yet she had dreams. She wanted to go to college. She wanted to be a teacher. Circumstances wouldn’t allow that to happen. When she graduated from high school, she went to work for the telephone company. When she met dad, they fell in love. She was only 19 when she married dad. (today 63 years of marriage) Dad was in the military and she committed to travel the world with him. That meant leaving all that she knew, her family, her friends. They built a life that had financial struggles. As a low level military sailor, pay wasn’t good. They struggled to have food in the house at times. Yet, they loved deeply. The were united in their commitment for their family. What dreams did they have as a young married couple? What brought them joy?

I remember my mom as being so vibrant. Strong, yet tender. Loving, yet she could be a disciplinarian. When she laughed, it was contagious. Her smile would like up a room. She brought joy to people. She loved life. When things were difficult, she knew how to dig deep into herself, draw on her faith and just head into whatever the storm was at the time. Mom is a survivor. She survived a turbulent childhood, and found joy in life. She survived loosing her parents while living time zones apart from them. Mom survived living with the pain of knowing she made the decisions that cost many people lives during war time. She worked for the military and they trusted her to make hard decisions. I don’t know how she could make the decisions that she had to make, yet she did it for love of her country. It never showed when she was with us. She never discussed it with us. It was by accident I found out about that time in her life.

Mom was a builder. Mom went to work to build a future for her husband and her children. Her salary paid for her husband and three children go to college. Yet, she never went herself. How ironic that her dream of college was denied her, yet she helped to provide that very education for her entire family. Mom built a loving home with laughter. Mom was wise. She had great wisdom when she would council us. She made us feel safe.

Now she is in her last chapter of life. So many memories that she has forgotten, so many dreams gone. Did she accomplish ultimately what she wanted to do? I don’t really know, and never will. I didn’t think to ask her while she could still share her thoughts. What I do see is that she is failing. Her life is about to end. I see the worn woman that doesn’t feel well. She knows something isn’t right but how much she understands is questionable. She is frail. The strong physical woman that used to work out every day no longer able to walk very far. She is a shadow of her vibrant person. Even her joy when she recognizes her loved ones is a brief glimmer of pleasure.

This morning as I spent time with God, I had a picture of mom freely running with joy in the pastures of heaven. I saw her full of joy and embracing life once again. This makes me cry. The tears are joy for her being free again, whole again, restored to her vibrant self. The tears are also sadness for what I miss of mom, and what I will miss when we say that finally good bye. I know that her time to graduate to heaven is coming soon. Sooner than I would like. Right now I treasure the rare smiles I see, the gifts of when she recognizes me. I am grateful I had her as my mom.

What I wanted to accomplish in sharing this, is that we all start life fresh and with a clean slate. We all have dreams, we all have potential to be what ever we want to do. We all have choices we get to make. Time passes so fast and before you know it, the zeal, the passion for new adventures, the strength for living are gone. Some day we will all be in a place of just having memories. Then even that will pass away as we prepare to die. The question that is most important, when you die, where will you go? For mom, she is a woman of faith. I know I will see her again in heaven. She will once again be the strong, loving woman I knew, but she will also be the whole person that God always intended for her to be. All the broken pieces of her childhood won’t be a part of who she became to survive. Just the pureness of who she was always meant to be. It will be a wonderful discovery for me to learn to know that part of her. We will have all of eternity to laugh again and to love unconditionally. Until that day of reunion comes, I will be sad and miss her.

Please take the time to share with your loved ones, the love you have for them. Share your dreams, your aspirations, your disappointments. Don’t leave your family wondering about questions that were never asked. Be open with each other and love each other. Appreciate the time you have with each other because it is so temporal and will be gone before you are ready.