Waiting is hard, so is dying to self.

The process of dying to yourself is hard. Today I spoke to a friend who is in a very similar position as I am. She too moved about the time that I did. She is having the same battles and thoughts that I have been experiencing the last two years.
After talking to her, and talking to another friend over the last year, I have noticed a similarity of what God has been doing in each of us. Thankfully I can say I have been talking to them since this has been such a lonely place. Others don’t understand when you try to tell them and unless you have gone through this, you really can’t understand how painful it is. I am grateful to have such good company in this part of my journey. It is reassuring to know it isn’t just me. I just wish they were closer to sit down, have coffee, and share more. Alias, that isn’t to be.
I wanted to share with you what has been happening to me and to them. I purposely am not sharing their names to protect their privacy. One thing I know is that God is no respecter of persons and what he has done in us, he has done in others or will do in others.
Last year, I described a little of the loneliness I feel in moving to PA. Of course, that post is gone into the Netherlands of Nowhere when they shredded my original page. I am lonely here. But it is more than that. It has been a stripping away of my old identity of who I thought I knew myself to be. I have questioned my purpose in life, whether we made a mistake in moving here, Did I abandon my parents when they need me,? Was God mad at me? Did I do something wrong? Then of course I have had to deal with my own anger and accusations towards God.
What I discovered in my conversation with my friend today is that she has had the very same thoughts, same anger, same accusations towards God. She too wondered if God was mad at her. Had she done something wrong to warrant this feeling of being abandoned? We both feel that God is very silent right now. That just makes it harder.
When you are going through something it is so comforting to know that God is directing you and reassuring you that this is the right way. When He is silent, all you can do is wonder, question yourself and then self-accuse and then accuse him because you can’t find the answer.
I have questioned my motives, my commitment to God. I have questioned my reasoning for agreeing to move here. I have wondered if my life has been a waste, if I have wasted valuable time. I have accused myself of being nonproductive for the kingdom, lacking passion, lacking drive, lacking ambition. I have wondered if I have done anything that will stand the test of time, will anyone even know that I once occupied the earth. I have wondered if anyone even cares that I am on the earth. As you can see, the torment of my thoughts has been excruciating. My friends that I told you about, have had the same thoughts, same self-condemning accusations. Another friend said we were being attacked by the enemy. BUT, I disagree.
It is too easy to accuse the accuser of perpetuating this agony. In reality, I believe it is a shifting that God has allowed us to go through. He is pruning us and allowing the dross to come forward to be removed. We all have things hidden in our hearts that we don’t even realize. It isn’t until you are in a place of being challenged and having hard times that you see what is really in your heart. When you discover the state of your own heart it is horrifying to realize all this has been hidden. I am grateful that God is dealing with this now. I am not enjoying this process I assure you. But I believe that God is preparing me for the true reason and purpose of my life and I can’t be carrying this ugliness with me. I believe this is the case for my friends as well.
Life is finite. We all have a set time frame to accomplish what God has for us to do. There are seasons in our lives and thankfully he gives us grace to do the things we need to do like raise our kids. But then the day comes that he says no more distractions. You have done the busyness of life’s demands, now let’s focus on the reason you’re here. Let’s reason together. You need to draw closer so I can share my secrets with you, but I can’t if you have this dross in your heart. You need to know who you really are, so you can finish strong in your purpose for living on the earth.
My purpose in sharing this is to reassure you if you are going through your own pruning season or when you do, that you are not alone. You haven’t done anything wrong, in fact, you have done something right. Allow God to do what needs to be done in you, so that you can get back to the real work he has for you. You do not need to repeat this cycle. Waiting can be the hardest thing you will ever do, but he tells us that he wants us to wait on him. So be still, and allow him to do the pruning, and polishing he needs to do. You will shine so brightly when he is done. You will be amazed by what he has done in you and you will be an example for others to follow. So be still; wait. It will be worth it.